Aloha

Aloha.

Most Americans have heard the word; many understand it to be a Hawaiian greeting, meaning roughly "Hello" or "Goodbye." "Aloha" is commonly used in just that way, so those people aren't wrong...

Their understanding is incomplete.

"Aloha" is much richer than "Hello" or "Goodbye." Wikipedia got it right: "Aloha in the Hawaiian language means affection, love, peace, compassion and mercy."

Aren't those wonderful sentiments to include when saying "Hello" or "Goodby?"

From the first moment of the first time I set foot on the island of Kauai, I could feel the aloha. That's how locals often talk about it; as if "Aloha" were something tangible you could breathe in. It's a spiritual thing, but oh, so real. When the people (and maybe even the land itself) feels affection, love, peace, compassion, and mercy, you can feel it.

Aloha has a powerful effect on people. It doesn't leave us alone. It changes us.

Of course it does; one of the things Aloha is is love.

I started this post because every time I come to the Islands I notice how many more beautiful women there are. It isn't that they are more physically beautiful than their counterparts elsewhere--they run the usual gamut of tiny to big, shapely to shapeless, in all the colors of humanity--but there's Aloha. And Aloha makes people beautiful.

It makes sense, if you think about it. We've all known someone whose features were perhaps rather ordinary, but whose animation, liveliness, happiness, joy, whatever, make them amazing and beautiful. They're unselfconscious and satisfied with who they are, they are content with their lot in life, they are fulfilled... and that makes them maybe not pretty, but beautiful.

I think that's why so many Hawaiians (whether Native or transplant) are beautiful. It's the Aloha. When Aloha infuses you and your environment--when you are bathed in affection, love, peace, compassion, and mercy--you are far more likely to be unselfconscious and satisfied with who you are, content with your lot in life, fulfilled...

And if you're all those things, how could you help being beautiful?

In the culture of my daily existence, people too seldom experience affection, love, peace, compassion, and mercy. Without Aloha, people tend to be self-conscious, dissatisfied with who they are, discontented, unfulfilled... and that leaves them completely dependent on their physical charms. And if that's all you've got and you aren't perfect, you're going to be unhappy and friends, being unhappy doesn't make you more beautiful.

One of the great gifts Hawaii has to offer the world is Aloha. The world needs it--we all need it--and Hawaii's got it. But it isn't something that can be taken from Hawaii; rather, Hawaii must give it as a gift. But Aloha is one of those wonderful gifts that, no matter how much you give away, your own supply will never be diminished; the act of sharing Aloha multiplies it.

And you don't have to be Hawaiian to give and live Aloha. Anyone can share affection, love, peace, compassion, and mercy. Anyone can make the world a better, more beautiful place.

Live the Aloha.

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Location:Hoohu Rd,Koloa,United States

Kryptonite

We all know that a character (whether heroic or villainous) can't be truly invulnerable; an invulnerable character is one we have difficulty sympathizing with. Superman has his kryptonite, and without it we wouldn't care much about what happened to him.

Similarly, real human beings have their vulnerabilities, whether physical or emotional. Those who pretend to be faultless and invulnerable don't engage our sympathies even though we know they have faults and vulnerabilities because the act they put on strikes us as unrealistic and disingenuous. If they won't admit that they even have human vulnerabilities, they seem less "real."

My kryptonite is my poor self-image. I have other vulnerabilities, some of them quite significant, but that's the one that (metaphorically) "kills" me.

I cannot remember a time when I felt that I was attractive to women. Recently I've come to an intellectual understanding that I probably am more attractive than I imagine; I can say to myself, "You've got even features, you're not too overweight, your skin is good, you've got nice hair, you're intelligent and 'nice' and somewhat successful..." but my heart is not convinced by intellectual arguments. I think I'm attractive(ish), but I feel unattractive.

I have spent a lifetime trying to "fix" this. I am (deservedly?) proud of how well I know myself (after years of mostly-fearless self reflection and discovery) and how well I've been able to redefine myself so that I am more the man I want to be. Yet this particular trait has stubbornly resisted all positive self-talk and all rationality; emotionally, I remain as doubtful of my attractiveness as I was in high school.

Because of this persistent visceral doubt, I have never trusted my perceptions when it came to women. I would find myself thinking She likes me," or "She's flirting with me!" but my heart would squelch such thoughts as 'wishful thinking' or self-deception. I might think a woman was interested in me, but I felt that it just wasn't possible. And in me, those feelings always trumped thought.

I do not believe that I am the only man who struggles with this. Surely many have overcome it. I often wonder how; wonder if it's even something I can fix on my own initiative, or if it's going to require in addition some external influence.

How can a guy learn to trust those intuitions, at least enough to act on them?

Maybe it takes a specific kind of experience. Maybe it requires first the intuition that "She likes me," or "She's flirting with me," followed by clear evidence that the intuition is right. Maybe it takes just one experience, or maybe it takes several, but maybe that's what it takes.

Maybe...

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The Butterfly Effect

"In chaos theory, the butterfly effect is the sensitive dependence on initial conditions; where a small change at one place in a nonlinear system can result in large differences to a later state." (Wikipedia)

More broadly, the butterfly effect is an observed 'reality' that sometimes even small actions can have large, unforeseen consequences. And it isn't just to do with chaos theory and nonlinear systems (although now that I think about it, human relationships probably are "nonlinear systems").

This is especially true in human relationships, where sometimes things that seem small to one person loom large to another, and where we sometimes-petty creatures let "little things" have a huge impact. A small kindness or an offhand cruelty don't always feel small or offhand to the recipient.

When a "small" action has a large effect on a human being, the Domino Effect comes into play. One affected human being will affect others, who in turn will affect others, who will in turn...

Well, you get the idea.

Whether dealing with family or friends or students or employees or co-workers or employers or whoever, it pays to consider the potential consequences. Small actions can have large effects, whether for good or for ill.

And sometimes that's all that karma is; a Domino Effect of unexpected consequences for unconsidered action.


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Switzerland

In a previous post I alluded to one of my nicknames--Switzerland. The traits that lead my friend to call me Switzerland are generally good traits, but they have some significant downsides. I've discussed some of those in the past.

A sad but predictable consequence of being "Switzerland" is the perception by many that because I am reasonable, open to compromise, and composed, I am also weak, and therefore an easy mark.

Anyone foolish enough to think so will sooner or later learn the truth. Meek does not mean weak. And those who underestimate me empower me.

Groping My Best Friend

There really needs to be an emoticon for "awkward turtle," the hand gesture some of us use when things feel 'awkward.'

Playing Wilbur Turnblad in Hairspray may have been the most fun I've had in years. The character is extravagant, bombastic, over the top... yet he has to be somehow sympathetic. At the end of the show, the audience has to accept him as essentially a "good guy," with good motives and a good heart. They don't have to think he's particularly intelligent and they don't have to admire him, but they need to like him and believe his love for his daughter Tracy and his wife Edna is true.

If you know the show, you know the challenges I faced. It was relatively straightforward to portray a father's love for his daughter, and it helped a lot that I already loved the two actors (Michelle and Erin) sharing the role of Tracy. The challenge was in convincingly portraying Wilbur's love for his wife.

Romantic love is a tough one for me to portray under any circumstances; I have very little life experience with it, so I don't really know how David exhibits that. If I don't even know how David embodies romantic love, how do I create a convincing characterization? And while that challenge was a significant one, it paled in comparison to the other challenge...

Wilbur's wife Edna is traditionally a drag role; a large man portrays a large woman in the play. While Edna is not a man in drag--she is all woman--the actor playing Edna is a man in drag.

See why I want an emoticon for "awkward turtle?"

Thank God Edna was being portrayed by my best friend. Neither of us is confused about our sexuality (although after portraying Edna, I'm beginning to wonder about Wayne... ;-)} ), and we're both pretty comfortable together both on- and off-stage. The script is well written and the situation already so ridiculous that we got to just play. I don't think either of us was worried that the other would misinterpret something we did, either, so just about anything was on the table.

There were some lines drawn--things that didn't contribute anything to our portrayal and were personally uncomfortable were scratched without much comment--but (as you know if you saw the show, particularly the last two performances) a lot of other things were fair game and we played them.

Hence the title of this blog entry.

The goal for both of us was to make our relationship sweet and sappy and above all else convincing, and if we can take audience comments seriously we pulled it off. Maybe it helped that as close friends, we are (another kind of) intimate in real life. Maybe we're just damn fine actors.

Or maybe it was the groping.

What Am I Afraid Of?

Sometimes I find myself stalled. I have good intentions, great ambition, lofty vision... but when I hit a road block, I find myself parked and idling, instead of navigating around the obstacle and getting back on track. And the longer I sit, the more likely I am to keep sitting.

This is what is colloquially know as a Bad Thing^TM.

This inertia has at various times impacted my professional effectiveness, not to mention my personal relationships. The effect it has had on my personal relationships is perhaps the most important to my sense of self and my satisfaction (or lack thereof) with my circumstances, while the effect it has had on my professional effectiveness contributes a dollop of guilt to the recipe of me.

It occurs to me as I write this that the inertia I referred to above is probably an additional symptom of my bone-deep sickness: depression. That's an important insight. I'm a functional depressive, and in the past I've taken great pride in the fact that I function pretty well without medication, but today it occurs to me that...

Maybe I shouldn't "settle" for just functioning. Maybe if I sought treatment for my depression, instead of just enduring it, I might be less likely to sit at that roadblock, car idling, and more likely to navigate around it and get back on the road. In my imagination, that's a good thing. in my imagination, that's the path to relationship happiness, and professional effectiveness, and...

It probably isn't a silver bullet, but really, what would it hurt to get treatment? Is it likely to make things worse than they are now?

I don't know, really. I don't even know why I'm so resistant; what am I afraid of?

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Shoot the Horse

Once upon a time there was a man who trained jumping horses. His methodology was quite simple: he would ride the horse toward the jump, and if the horse made the jump, it was designated a jumper. If the horse balked, the man would shoot the horse.

His stable did produce a few jumpers... and a lot of dog food.

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