Fake It 'til You Make It

A friend of mine said that in his experience, there were three things that women looked for in a man: 1) gainful employment, 2) self-confidence, and 3) a good sense of humor. In his view, I'm all set with 1 and 3 (although what constitutes a "good" sense of humor is a subjective matter), and if I can address the self-confidence issue, a welcome change may follow.

That makes sense to me; I'm sure the "list" varies a little from person to person, but self-confidence is likely to make everyone's list. I like self-confidence in a woman, after all; it makes perfect sense that a woman would like it in a man.

The thing that makes self-confidence an issue for me is... Well, it doesn't really matter, does it? I know in my head that I should be confident, so I am justified in acting confident even if I don't "feel it." "Fake it 'til you make it," as they say (obvious, I know! But still a very recent epiphany for me).

Assuming I have the will to 'fake it 'til I make it,' the question becomes how? Approaching it as an actor and playwright, I think I'm beginning to get an idea (feel free to add to the list in comment):

1. Pay attention to what you are doing and who you are with.
2. Think before you speak; don't talk nonsense (have less to apologize for).
3. Don't talk just to fill silence.
4. Make and hold eye contact (but don't let it become a competition).
5. Stand tall and speak your mind firmly but softly, without apology.
6. Don't fidget.
7. Be courteous and play fair; neither dominate the conversation nor opt out of it.
8. Avoid being drawn into arguments.
9. Never apologize for being who or how you are; apologize less in general.
10. The best defense is a good offense; if someone challenges you on something you believe, stand firm and say "Bite me!"

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Half the Battle...

Not to brag, but I have a lot going for me. I have a good job, a decent sense of humor, I'm intelligent and compassionate and talented and decent-looking and healthy and good. These things I know. I'm still a work in progress—I'm not done becoming, yet—but I know these good things about myself.

In the past I didn't know this; I didn't even think it. And as the old G.I. Joe public service announcements used to say, "Knowing is half the battle."

Half the battle.

I have to thank my friends and family for patiently striving with me on this. It was the work of years to persuade me of the truth that was so obvious to them, but so elusive to me. The credit for winning that skirmish goes to them; it wasn't easy to convince me. I'm stubborn.

But it's still only half the battle. I can't claim a win for my side until the other half is won, and I think that's up to me. I know in my head that I am all these wonderful things, but I don't feel it in my gut, and when it comes to self-confidence, feelings count.

I know I am intelligent and compassionate and talented and decent-looking and healthy and good. I just don't feel it. Instead I feel stupid and selfish and ugly. That's the other half of the battle: the half I'm fighting now, the half I don't have a strategy to win.

I know it's frustrating that I can't own, right down to my bones, the wonderful qualities I have. It frustrates me. I want to be as confident as I have a right to be. And I believe that self-confidence is justified.

My friends and family have given me great advice—"just be yourself," or "stop worrying about what others think," or even "man up!"—and I'm trying. I have not given up. I will win this battle eventually. So far success has eluded me, but as Thomas Edison said, "I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work." Someday I will be as confident as I ought to be.

In the meantime, please be patient with me. I get it, really; if you find me frustrating sometimes, imagine what it's like for me to live in this skin, knowing one thing and feeling another. I'm worth the frustration, as I think you know; you've stuck with me this long.

The battle is half won. One day, maybe soon, it'll be all won. That will be a day worth celebrating—call it V.E. (Victory of the Ego) Day.

Mahalo

Mahalo is a Hawaiian word that according to Wikipedia means "thanks, gratitude, admiration, praise, esteem, regards, respects." It is often used as a simple substitute for the English "Thank you," but as with "Aloha," that simple substitution isn't the whole story.

In fact, some sources suggest that the meanings "thanks" and "gratitude" were appended after contact; early visitors noted that while the Hawaiian people were generous and grateful, they had no word to express gratitude or say 'thank you.'

When you think about it, this is very cool. I remember reading somewhere (probably in a science fiction novel) that gratitude is a species of resentment, and that makes sense. In our culture it's good that we feel and express gratitude; our culture has a transactional basis, and when we give anything (even a gift), we expect a return (if only a "thank you"). We even exchange favors, and don't see that as particularly strange. But in Hawaiian culture (as I understand it), it's less about commerce and more about community.

The Hawaiian culture had a subsistence economy; there were enough resources to go around, but not so much that the accumulation of wealth was particularly practical or desirable. In order for the community to prosper, everyone had to contribute and everyone got to benefit. It was less about "Mine mine mine," and more about "Ours."

Wouldn't it be wonderful if we weren't so caught up in keeping score; in an economic model of human interaction? Do we truly "give" if we expect or require a return, even so intangible a one as thanks or gratitude?

What would it be like if the cultural expectation--the "norm," if you will--was thoughtless, automatic generosity and admiration for one another? What if we didn't need to say "Thank you," because our admiration, praise, esteem, and regard were part of the fabric of society: evident without any need to say it? What if the spirit of Mahalo infused our daily relationships? What would that look like?

I hope you've found reading what I've written here worthwhile.

Mahalo.

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Aloha

Aloha.

Most Americans have heard the word; many understand it to be a Hawaiian greeting, meaning roughly "Hello" or "Goodbye." "Aloha" is commonly used in just that way, so those people aren't wrong...

Their understanding is incomplete.

"Aloha" is much richer than "Hello" or "Goodbye." Wikipedia got it right: "Aloha in the Hawaiian language means affection, love, peace, compassion and mercy."

Aren't those wonderful sentiments to include when saying "Hello" or "Goodby?"

From the first moment of the first time I set foot on the island of Kauai, I could feel the aloha. That's how locals often talk about it; as if "Aloha" were something tangible you could breathe in. It's a spiritual thing, but oh, so real. When the people (and maybe even the land itself) feels affection, love, peace, compassion, and mercy, you can feel it.

Aloha has a powerful effect on people. It doesn't leave us alone. It changes us.

Of course it does; one of the things Aloha is is love.

I started this post because every time I come to the Islands I notice how many more beautiful women there are. It isn't that they are more physically beautiful than their counterparts elsewhere--they run the usual gamut of tiny to big, shapely to shapeless, in all the colors of humanity--but there's Aloha. And Aloha makes people beautiful.

It makes sense, if you think about it. We've all known someone whose features were perhaps rather ordinary, but whose animation, liveliness, happiness, joy, whatever, make them amazing and beautiful. They're unselfconscious and satisfied with who they are, they are content with their lot in life, they are fulfilled... and that makes them maybe not pretty, but beautiful.

I think that's why so many Hawaiians (whether Native or transplant) are beautiful. It's the Aloha. When Aloha infuses you and your environment--when you are bathed in affection, love, peace, compassion, and mercy--you are far more likely to be unselfconscious and satisfied with who you are, content with your lot in life, fulfilled...

And if you're all those things, how could you help being beautiful?

In the culture of my daily existence, people too seldom experience affection, love, peace, compassion, and mercy. Without Aloha, people tend to be self-conscious, dissatisfied with who they are, discontented, unfulfilled... and that leaves them completely dependent on their physical charms. And if that's all you've got and you aren't perfect, you're going to be unhappy and friends, being unhappy doesn't make you more beautiful.

One of the great gifts Hawaii has to offer the world is Aloha. The world needs it--we all need it--and Hawaii's got it. But it isn't something that can be taken from Hawaii; rather, Hawaii must give it as a gift. But Aloha is one of those wonderful gifts that, no matter how much you give away, your own supply will never be diminished; the act of sharing Aloha multiplies it.

And you don't have to be Hawaiian to give and live Aloha. Anyone can share affection, love, peace, compassion, and mercy. Anyone can make the world a better, more beautiful place.

Live the Aloha.

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Location:Hoohu Rd,Koloa,United States

Kryptonite

We all know that a character (whether heroic or villainous) can't be truly invulnerable; an invulnerable character is one we have difficulty sympathizing with. Superman has his kryptonite, and without it we wouldn't care much about what happened to him.

Similarly, real human beings have their vulnerabilities, whether physical or emotional. Those who pretend to be faultless and invulnerable don't engage our sympathies even though we know they have faults and vulnerabilities because the act they put on strikes us as unrealistic and disingenuous. If they won't admit that they even have human vulnerabilities, they seem less "real."

My kryptonite is my poor self-image. I have other vulnerabilities, some of them quite significant, but that's the one that (metaphorically) "kills" me.

I cannot remember a time when I felt that I was attractive to women. Recently I've come to an intellectual understanding that I probably am more attractive than I imagine; I can say to myself, "You've got even features, you're not too overweight, your skin is good, you've got nice hair, you're intelligent and 'nice' and somewhat successful..." but my heart is not convinced by intellectual arguments. I think I'm attractive(ish), but I feel unattractive.

I have spent a lifetime trying to "fix" this. I am (deservedly?) proud of how well I know myself (after years of mostly-fearless self reflection and discovery) and how well I've been able to redefine myself so that I am more the man I want to be. Yet this particular trait has stubbornly resisted all positive self-talk and all rationality; emotionally, I remain as doubtful of my attractiveness as I was in high school.

Because of this persistent visceral doubt, I have never trusted my perceptions when it came to women. I would find myself thinking She likes me," or "She's flirting with me!" but my heart would squelch such thoughts as 'wishful thinking' or self-deception. I might think a woman was interested in me, but I felt that it just wasn't possible. And in me, those feelings always trumped thought.

I do not believe that I am the only man who struggles with this. Surely many have overcome it. I often wonder how; wonder if it's even something I can fix on my own initiative, or if it's going to require in addition some external influence.

How can a guy learn to trust those intuitions, at least enough to act on them?

Maybe it takes a specific kind of experience. Maybe it requires first the intuition that "She likes me," or "She's flirting with me," followed by clear evidence that the intuition is right. Maybe it takes just one experience, or maybe it takes several, but maybe that's what it takes.

Maybe...

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The Butterfly Effect

"In chaos theory, the butterfly effect is the sensitive dependence on initial conditions; where a small change at one place in a nonlinear system can result in large differences to a later state." (Wikipedia)

More broadly, the butterfly effect is an observed 'reality' that sometimes even small actions can have large, unforeseen consequences. And it isn't just to do with chaos theory and nonlinear systems (although now that I think about it, human relationships probably are "nonlinear systems").

This is especially true in human relationships, where sometimes things that seem small to one person loom large to another, and where we sometimes-petty creatures let "little things" have a huge impact. A small kindness or an offhand cruelty don't always feel small or offhand to the recipient.

When a "small" action has a large effect on a human being, the Domino Effect comes into play. One affected human being will affect others, who in turn will affect others, who will in turn...

Well, you get the idea.

Whether dealing with family or friends or students or employees or co-workers or employers or whoever, it pays to consider the potential consequences. Small actions can have large effects, whether for good or for ill.

And sometimes that's all that karma is; a Domino Effect of unexpected consequences for unconsidered action.


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Switzerland

In a previous post I alluded to one of my nicknames--Switzerland. The traits that lead my friend to call me Switzerland are generally good traits, but they have some significant downsides. I've discussed some of those in the past.

A sad but predictable consequence of being "Switzerland" is the perception by many that because I am reasonable, open to compromise, and composed, I am also weak, and therefore an easy mark.

Anyone foolish enough to think so will sooner or later learn the truth. Meek does not mean weak. And those who underestimate me empower me.