Justified

I am by nature defensive; I rarely go on the offense, and then only if:

1. I am confident I am right
2. I have counted the cost
3. I consider the battle to be worth fighting

I am defensive about many things; my life is a tapestry of insecurities that I believe intellectually to be unfounded, but that have a powerful emotional hold on me. I am insecure about my appearance, my attractiveness, my effectiveness, my talent, my skill... about almost everything that makes me me. I've given up defending most of these--I decided that being defensive based on my own biased, negative (and likely wrong) perceptions was a waste of energy--but there are other aspects of my life where I feel confident of my competence.

For some time now, I've felt constantly on the defense in some of those aspects, and I'm tired of it. I have paid my dues, made sacrifices, won respect, done my job; yet I feel like I have to watch my back, watch my step, and justify my very existence.

I make no claim to perfection in any aspect of my life; I am very much a work in progress, and expect I always will be. I cannot claim to have it "right." I am striving for perfection, working to "get it right," even though I know I won't ever finally achieve those goals. And although I am not "perfect" and not "right," I am doing well. I should not always be on the defensive.

I am tired of defending myself, yet I dare not take the offensive. All I can do is keep defending myself, and hope that someday I will be justified.