Sometimes I find myself stalled. I have good intentions, great ambition, lofty vision... but when I hit a road block, I find myself parked and idling, instead of navigating around the obstacle and getting back on track. And the longer I sit, the more likely I am to keep sitting.
This is what is colloquially know as a Bad ThingTM.
This inertia has at various times impacted my professional effectiveness, not to mention my personal relationships. The effect it has had on my personal relationships is perhaps the most important to my sense of self and my satisfaction (or lack thereof) with my circumstances, while the effect it has had on my professional effectiveness contributes a dollop of guilt to the recipe of me.
It occurs to me as I write this that the inertia I referred to above is probably an additional symptom of my bone-deep sickness: depression. That's an important insight. I'm a functional depressive, and in the past I've taken great pride in the fact that I function pretty well without medication, but today it occurs to me that...
Maybe I shouldn't "settle" for just functioning. Maybe if I sought treatment for my depression, instead of just enduring it, I might be less likely to sit at that roadblock, car idling, and more likely to navigate around it and get back on the road. In my imagination, that's a good thing. in my imagination, that's the path to relationship happiness, and professional effectiveness, and...
It probably isn't a silver bullet, but really, what would it hurt to get treatment? Is it likely to make things worse than they are now?
I don't know, really. I don't even know why I'm so resistant; what am I afraid of?
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
Probably, like me, you're very afraid of it affecting your creativity. That part is essential to WHO you are, and brain-altering chemicals are scary to those of us who value our unique creativity, and base our whole lives around it. xoxo HK
ReplyDeleteI find "Self" so fascinating. We all look at our demons so differently. I often doubt me and when I need relief I doubt the conceived "Kinks in my armor", which then manifests into a new demon. Make sense?
ReplyDeleteMy foundation is cemented by family and friends which, thank God, keeps me from a "Hamster Like" existence where I simply run around in circles aimlessly..
I no longer seek answers, I simply accept what I know..
Great blog...
Heather: Certainly I fear somehow being different than I am; fear becoming someone else... But if the me I am isn't accomplishing the things I want to accomplish, why shouldn't I change?
ReplyDeleteI think that maybe it looks a little bit like death to me; to become someone new would entail the annihilation of the old me, and I don't want to die. Still, I know others who have sought treatment for depression and the change was not in kind; they simply found more balance.
Wayne: It is interesting how each of us deal with really quite similar issues in unique and distinctive ways. I wonder what might be learned if EVERYONE took the time to reflect on these issues, and then shared their insights, questions, and resolutions?
Wow, that is insightful... talk about a dichotomy. Success-surviving depression on your own, or doing BETTER than "just" surviving with "help"...
ReplyDelete