As Time Goes By

O, wonder!
How many goodly creatures are there here!
How beauteous mankind is! O brave new world,
That has such people in't!
The Tempest Act V, Scene 1
William Shakespeare

"How beauteous mankind is!" This is what I'm seeing lately. Perceptions are shaded by our own attitudes; in times past, what I saw better matched:

People are strange when you're a stranger
Faces look ugly when you're alone
Women seem wicked when you're unwanted
Streets are uneven when you're down

So what's changed? I'm still single, still doin' my thing, still lonely... so how have I gone from "Faces look ugly when you're alone" to "How beauteous mankind is!"

It's a good question... and has an answer that continues to astound me even as I enjoy its essential simplicity.

"I've changed: "Gallants, I am not as I have been" (Much Ado About Nothing, Act III, Scene 2, William Shakespeare). My attitudes have changed because my beliefs about myself have changed, and the outward manifestation of these internal changes are giving me an entirely new experience.

Just this weekend I flirted incessantly (shyly, but still I attempted it). I flirted with waitresses and fellow motorcycle riders and a pretty woman at church on Sunday. And in virtually every instance, it was a good experience; the women flirted back or rewarded me with a more-than-casual smile, or in one instance practically dragged me outside to show me the congregation's new meditation garden (her project, I gathered).

It isn't that I think any of these experiences mean too much—I'm not suggesting that I've suddenly become irresistible to women, or that any of the women in question are looking to jump my bones or something—it's just nice. It's encouraging. It's affirming.

I've thought I was attractive for years—maybe a decade, maybe even more—but haven't ever really felt it. And because I haven't felt it, my confidence has suffered. Now I feel more confident. Because i feel more confident I act more confident. Because I act more confident I attract more positive experiences. Because I have more positive experiences, I feel more confident. This is a Merry-Go-Round I want to ride for a while.

As my confidence rises I see things—I see people—in a different light. Maybe that isn't a really big deal in the larger scheme of things, but it is a big deal to me.

"A kiss is just a kiss, a sigh is just a sigh," and I'll take it at face value, expecting nothing more and enjoying "it"—a smile, a kiss, a sigh—as the blessing it is, "As time goes by."