You Gotta Compromise a Little

We've all been there.

We've all been in a relationship (and I'm not talking exclusively or even primarily about romantic relationships; consider relationships familial, professional, or friendly) where one party feels—sometimes justifiably—that s/he contributes more to the relationship than the other. And we've all felt that it isn't fair that we do so much and the other does so little. And sometimes it isn't fair—sometimes one or both of you aren't getting what you really need or are giving more than you can afford—but sometimes we treat relationships like business transactions, expecting a value-for-value exchange that balances out on some imaginary ledger, and that's just crazy.

There's no real economy in relationships. It is almost impossible for two persons to contribute equally to even the best, deepest, strongest, most meaningful relationships. Each of us has different needs and different strengths, and it's unlikely to the point of impossibility that two people who happen to come together should match up perfectly. In the immortal words of Trentell (one of the characters in the musical revue I Love You, You're Perfect, Now Change), "You gotta compromise a little, you dickheads!" In fact, you always gotta compromise a little.

It's a mistake to keep score in relationships. It's powerfully tempting to do so—our culture predisposes us to think of things in terms of profit and loss, "you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours," quid pro quo—but it isn't needful, it isn't helpful, and it isn't fair.

Fair has nothing to do with ledgers and balances and scores and everything to do with everyone getting what they need to be healthy and whole. There's nothing unfair about doing more for someone who needs more.

This is how relationships can be "unequal" and healthy. If the people in a relationship respect one another's rights, give what they can, and receive what they need, who cares about scoreboards and ledgers? Keeping score is a wonderful way to ruin a relationship. Imbalance is only an issue when people aren't getting what they need (emotionally and relationally—I'm not talking about "things").

So tear up your ledgers and scorecards. Stop keeping track of who does more for whom. Instead, ask yourself these questions:

• Am I respected and treated as a person of worth and dignity?
• Is the relationship satisfying?
• Am I giving what I can and should?
• Am I receiving what I need?
• Do I respect the other person and treat her/him as a person of worth and dignity?

If your answers are straight "yes's," what more do you want? You've already got treasure more precious than rubies.