Not to brag, but I have a lot going for me. I have a good job, a decent sense of humor, I'm intelligent and compassionate and talented and decent-looking and healthy and good. These things I know. I'm still a work in progress—I'm not done becoming, yet—but I know these good things about myself.
In the past I didn't know this; I didn't even think it. And as the old G.I. Joe public service announcements used to say, "Knowing is half the battle."
Half the battle.
I have to thank my friends and family for patiently striving with me on this. It was the work of years to persuade me of the truth that was so obvious to them, but so elusive to me. The credit for winning that skirmish goes to them; it wasn't easy to convince me. I'm stubborn.
But it's still only half the battle. I can't claim a win for my side until the other half is won, and I think that's up to me. I know in my head that I am all these wonderful things, but I don't feel it in my gut, and when it comes to self-confidence, feelings count.
I know I am intelligent and compassionate and talented and decent-looking and healthy and good. I just don't feel it. Instead I feel stupid and selfish and ugly. That's the other half of the battle: the half I'm fighting now, the half I don't have a strategy to win.
I know it's frustrating that I can't own, right down to my bones, the wonderful qualities I have. It frustrates me. I want to be as confident as I have a right to be. And I believe that self-confidence is justified.
My friends and family have given me great advice—"just be yourself," or "stop worrying about what others think," or even "man up!"—and I'm trying. I have not given up. I will win this battle eventually. So far success has eluded me, but as Thomas Edison said, "I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work." Someday I will be as confident as I ought to be.
In the meantime, please be patient with me. I get it, really; if you find me frustrating sometimes, imagine what it's like for me to live in this skin, knowing one thing and feeling another. I'm worth the frustration, as I think you know; you've stuck with me this long.
The battle is half won. One day, maybe soon, it'll be all won. That will be a day worth celebrating—call it V.E. (Victory of the Ego) Day.
I know it's frustrating that I can't own, right down to my bones, the wonderful qualities I have. It frustrates me. I want to be as confident as I have a right to be. And I believe that self-confidence is justified.
My friends and family have given me great advice—"just be yourself," or "stop worrying about what others think," or even "man up!"—and I'm trying. I have not given up. I will win this battle eventually. So far success has eluded me, but as Thomas Edison said, "I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work." Someday I will be as confident as I ought to be.
In the meantime, please be patient with me. I get it, really; if you find me frustrating sometimes, imagine what it's like for me to live in this skin, knowing one thing and feeling another. I'm worth the frustration, as I think you know; you've stuck with me this long.
The battle is half won. One day, maybe soon, it'll be all won. That will be a day worth celebrating—call it V.E. (Victory of the Ego) Day.
Great blog! Helped me out a lot yesterday, and read it just now to help me get through today. Thank you.
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