Beauty and Attraction

I'll never be the first choice of someone who makes the appearance of a guy her primary criterion for attraction. Not that I'm unsightly—on the contrary, I'm a good-looking guy—but I am not (nor would I want to be) the kind of drop-dead gorgeous that would have women posting pictures of me on their social networking sites with the caption, "Can I have this, Santa? Please?!?!"

So I'll never inspire the kind of desire reserved for the likes of Tebow (or whoever represents the current masculine ideal); good! Because I don't think a woman who makes the appearance of a guy her primary criterion would really suit me, you know?

It isn't that I think appearance should be off the list; after all, appearance is among the criteria that I consider attractive (plus I'm a good-looking guy), so it would be the height of hypocrisy (not to mention self-defeating) to expect a woman to disregard appearance altogether.

It's just... appearance is ephemeral. I'm lucky to have retained decent looks for as long as I have but from this point forward, "distinguished" is my best hope for the future (and at that I'm lucky that "distinguished" is considered attractive).

It would be awful to believe my appearance determined my worth. the pressure would be overwhelming. And no matter what I did, inevitably time would wear away my handsomeness (and therefore my value). Sooner, rather than later, I would find myself desperately scrabbling just to slow the decay. And desperation is not sexy.

The thing is, even if I was Adonis incarnate and immune to the ravages of time, my looks still wouldn't be my best feature. Looks should never be anyone's best feature.

Some qualities—attractive, at least to me (and, I sincerely believe, attractive to many)—are within our control and can improve with age and experience. Those are the qualities I promote in myself and value highly in others. In terms of what I find attractive, those qualities are higher criteria for attractiveness than appearance. And I think the same would be true of any woman who would "suit" me. While I have to keep reminding myself that I'm a "good-looking guy," I just am a decent man, a caring man, a kind man, an intelligent man, a generous man, a loving man. Those are qualities that improve over time, and I believe they're attractive, too; certainly I find them attractive in the women I meet.

Attraction is the seasoning that makes love romantic, and it matters. Our culture over-emphasizes physical beauty, but we can look beyond physical beauty (which fades like any hothouse flower) and find beauties more substantial and lasting in the hearts of one another. It is a choice—whether to accept our culture's conditioning or to look deeper—and what we choose will powerfully influence who we are attracted to and how we relate to who we are attracted to. If all we see is physical beauty, what will happen in the relationship when it bows for Time's passage? Will the relationship end?

Khalil Gibran wrote of beauty:

All these things you have said of beauty,
Yet in truth you spoke not of her but of needs unsatisfied,
And beauty is not a need but an ecstasy.
It is not a mouth thirsting nor a hand stretched forth,
But rather a heart enflamed and a soul enchanted.

It is not the image you would see nor the song you would hear,
But rather an image you see though you close your eyes and a song you hear though you shut your ears.
It is not the sap within the furrowed bark, nor a wing attached to a claw,
But rather a garden for ever in bloom and a flock of angels for ever in flight.

People of Orphalese, beauty is life when life unveils her holy face.
But you are life and you are the veil.
Beauty is eternity gazing at itself in a mirror.
But you are eternity and you are the mirror.

I can't really say what that might mean...it is a mystery. Beauty is a mystery, or it ought to be; so much more than smooth skin and clear eyes and shining hair. It ought to be something ineffable, and it ought to be something we can create in ourselves, rather than simply have through good fortune.