I make no apologies for my obsession—I think of it as another “magnificent” obsession—but before you plan an intervention, let me clarify...
I'm not talking about romantic love. Or at least I'm not talking exclusively about romantic love—rather I'm talking about what makes it love (rather than infatuation or affection or good old-fashioned lust).
I wouldn't want anyone to think I have anything against romantic love (or infatuation, or affection, or "good old-fashioned lust"), either. I am passionate about passion, and the passions associated with romantic love go to the root of me; nothing can shake me the way they can.
What I'm talking about is what elevates emotion—fraternal or romantic affection, good will or friendly feeling, liking and appreciation—to love. Love is not a feeling, no matter how closely we associate it with feeling. Love is not something we suffer, something that happens to us, something that we can't control. No, love is something well within our control, something we decide, something we choose.
Three sources inspire my grasp of this "Crazy Little Thing Called Love."
1 Corinthians 13 (NRSV) says, "Love is patient, love is kind; love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends."
Those aren't feelings—they're choices; things each of us can control about how we behave toward another.
"Sonnet 116 (William Shakespeare) says, "love is not love / Which alters when it alteration finds, / Or bends with the remover to remove," and "Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks / Within his bending sickle's compass come, / Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks, / But bears it out even to the edge of doom."
Again, not feelings so much as attitudes; things within our conscious influence. We can choose to be steadfast in the face of a beloved who changes over time; we can choose to stay the course no matter what time brings. If love is only one thing (and it's really many things, but there is one thing without which love is not love), it's "commitment."
In other words, the feelings we associate with love are not love in and of themselves; rather, they add savor and flavor to the core commitment that makes love so important. With one kind of feeling we have fraternal or familial love, with another kind of feeling we have Platonic love, with yet another kind of feeling we have Agape love, and with still another kind of feeling we have romantic love, and each of those flavors of love is wonderful in its own way.
In The Prophet, Kahlil Gibran writes On Love. The poetry is beautiful—I commend the entire volume to you—and the take-away is that love leaves you vulnerable, love has a price, and no one unwilling to be vulnerable or unwilling to pay the price can enjoy the fullness of blessings that love can bring.
In a previous post on social networks, I wrote that for me, it all starts and ends with love:
- love makes me vulnerable, and I proudly bear the scars of wounds suffered for the sake of vulnerability
- love makes me trusting, and I proudly wear the motley suited to such folly
- love makes me generous, and I gladly accept the cost when others take advantage of my generosity
Love does not have to be reciprocated to be meaningful. Unrequited love is not tragic; it's just love. If I had to choose between being loving and being loved—if it was "either/or"—I would choose to be loving.
Happily, it's not either/or—while not all the love I give is returned, I am nevertheless greatly loved—so I don't have to make that choice. But I don't love in hopes of receiving love in return; I love because I choose to be loving, and one who is loving loves without expectation of requital.
I choose to love, and only hope to be loved in return.
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