Let It Burn

I've never actually hyperventilated from fear before.

I don't remember ever exhibiting such a visceral, exterior, visible response to fear. Maybe I've never been so frightened. I've come close—asking a girl on a date is nearly as scary—but I've never gotten to the point where I had trouble just catching my breath. Today, I'm terrified.

But I did it anyway. I set the torch to the timbers, and the bridge is burning. It's taking all my strength to just let it burn, but I'm letting it. I'm resisting the impulse to rush in and stamp out the fire before it gets too hot.

Let it burn.

I've done a lot of daring things in my life. I've rappelled down a 90 foot cliff. I've leaped off a cliff into murky water. I've white-water rafted. I've zip-lined. I've eaten at Da Crack. I scuba dive, I ride a motorcycle, I teach high school...I live life on the edge. But none of that as turned my guts to water, made my breath catch in my throat, made me tremble, nothing—not even asking a girl out.

I am my father's son. I am my mother's son. Those two respectable, sensible, appropriately cautious apple pie citizens raised me to be respectable, sensible, and cautious and I'm grateful for that—it's given me a certain freedom to pursue my passion for learning, to pursue my passion for serving others, to pursue my myriad interests. I would not be who I am today if not for that upbringing.

But who I am today needs to take a big chance, a big chance. Who I am today needs a new kind of freedom, one that is only possible if I cast off those otherwise-admirable qualities of caution and restraint. Who I am today needs to embrace uncertainty and insecurity.

Still, it's scary.

Defying a fundamental fear is exhilarating. The fear is part of what makes it exhilarating: fear provokes an adrenalin rush. The exhilaration doesn't displace the fear, but it does counterbalance it to some degree. Additionally, there's an element of pride that contributes to the exhilaration: it feels good to face and overmaster something that's been an insurmountable obstacle before.

While I've been writing, the fire's been growing. Soon it won't be possible to stamp it out. In just a few hours, there will be no bridge; no retreat possible.

Let it burn.