Kryptonite

We all know that a character (whether heroic or villainous) can't be truly invulnerable; an invulnerable character is one we have difficulty sympathizing with. Superman has his kryptonite, and without it we wouldn't care much about what happened to him.

Similarly, real human beings have their vulnerabilities, whether physical or emotional. Those who pretend to be faultless and invulnerable don't engage our sympathies even though we know they have faults and vulnerabilities because the act they put on strikes us as unrealistic and disingenuous. If they won't admit that they even have human vulnerabilities, they seem less "real."

My kryptonite is my poor self-image. I have other vulnerabilities, some of them quite significant, but that's the one that (metaphorically) "kills" me.

I cannot remember a time when I felt that I was attractive to women. Recently I've come to an intellectual understanding that I probably am more attractive than I imagine; I can say to myself, "You've got even features, you're not too overweight, your skin is good, you've got nice hair, you're intelligent and 'nice' and somewhat successful..." but my heart is not convinced by intellectual arguments. I think I'm attractive(ish), but I feel unattractive.

I have spent a lifetime trying to "fix" this. I am (deservedly?) proud of how well I know myself (after years of mostly-fearless self reflection and discovery) and how well I've been able to redefine myself so that I am more the man I want to be. Yet this particular trait has stubbornly resisted all positive self-talk and all rationality; emotionally, I remain as doubtful of my attractiveness as I was in high school.

Because of this persistent visceral doubt, I have never trusted my perceptions when it came to women. I would find myself thinking She likes me," or "She's flirting with me!" but my heart would squelch such thoughts as 'wishful thinking' or self-deception. I might think a woman was interested in me, but I felt that it just wasn't possible. And in me, those feelings always trumped thought.

I do not believe that I am the only man who struggles with this. Surely many have overcome it. I often wonder how; wonder if it's even something I can fix on my own initiative, or if it's going to require in addition some external influence.

How can a guy learn to trust those intuitions, at least enough to act on them?

Maybe it takes a specific kind of experience. Maybe it requires first the intuition that "She likes me," or "She's flirting with me," followed by clear evidence that the intuition is right. Maybe it takes just one experience, or maybe it takes several, but maybe that's what it takes.

Maybe...

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