Finally Learning the Lesson

It's important for me to remain motivated as I pursue the self-confidence I ought to have. It would be easy to stop affirming my worthiness before the confidence I articulate becomes an emotional habit. I want it to stick, however, so I'm constantly on the lookout for what improved self confidence will pay, and what the status quo has cost. The payoff is the carrot of my motivation, while the expense is the stick.

On the plus side:

• Confidence is attractive and sexy
• Confidence makes me more likely to assert myself; to go for what I want
• If I am confident in myself, others will have greater confidence in me

On the minus side:

• If I lack confidence, I don't pursue the things I want
• If I lack confidence, I expect the worst rather than the best
• If I lack confidence, I distrust others' interest and affection, even if declared and shown

I was contemplating that last one the other day, not to beat myself up over it, but simply to understand and be aware of it. It's been my bugaboo when it comes to relationships of a romantic nature.

Contrary to my own protestations I am not altogether inexperienced when it comes to relationships. I am relatively inexperienced, but I have had a few. In almost every instance it's been the woman who broke things off, but in retrospect I don't blame them. I think I understand the part I played in the way things turned out.

In just about every instance, the woman in question was (is!) a wonderful woman and a wonderful person. If I were to name names, those of you who know those women would agree that they are amazing and committed and true. In just about every instance, the woman sincerely cared about me and saw me as not just worthy, but worthwhile. Each worked to convince me, but I would not be convinced. Eventually, the effort became too great a burden.

Other times, I'd meet a woman, maybe we'd go out, I'd want to call them... but doubts born of a lack of confidence persuaded me that I shouldn't. I'm sure that I flushed a few opportunities down the toilet because of that.

It's like getting involved with an addict or alcoholic. It's one thing to support someone who is working on her/his recovery, but another thing altogether to live with someone who can't or won't try to save her/his own life. If I'd trusted any of them and worked to improve my own confidence, well... my life might have turned out very differently than it has.

But it's never too late, I guess. I've reached a tipping point, thanks in large part to another great woman I've encountered. I'm becoming as confident as I ought always to have been. I look back at those other relationships—failed, perhaps, but precious and valuable gifts nonetheless—and at long last the view is sweeter than it is bitter; far sweeter.

And looking forward, I see a brighter tomorrow. I finally feel what those wonderful women have been trying to tell me; that I am quite a catch. A dear friend, who is numbered among those wonderful women mentioned above, once told me that I was good at being in a relationship; I just wasn't very good at getting into one.

I think I'll be better at that, now. I'll probably be a little clumsy—I haven't had much practice, after all—but I won't be afraid, and I won't sabotage things.

This makes me smile.