Who'da Thunk?

I probably shouldn't blog when I'm depressed, and I'm depressed this morning. No particular reason; my depressions, while never formally diagnosed, seem to fit the model for the kind of depression caused by brain chemistry, rather than circumstance. I don't have any reason to be depressed; I just am.

I feel justified in blogging this morning because even though I am depressed this morning, my attitude about it is different (and better).

For some time now, I've had a pretty functional relationship with my periodic depressions. Experience has taught me that they are baseless, that they are endurable (though painful), and that they pass in time. All I have to do is wait them out, and they go away. I've learned to endure them. They still hurt and I don't enjoy them, but they are endurable and, at an intellectual level at least, I have come to terms with them. They don't rule or ruin my life; they just make some days difficult.

I noticed the tell-tale signs this morning: pressure in my chest and tightness in my throat, a dark mood, a sense of gravity dragging at my face... and as I thought to myself, "Oh, boy—here we go again," I also thought, "This is just depression. It can affect my feelings, but I don't think I want to let it affect my attitude any more."

My next thought was, "What was that?"

As I've explored this a little further, I'm finding that a side effect of my positive self-talk over the last couple of weeks (dealing with issues of confidence and self-esteem) is that I'm no longer so much at the mercy of my emotions. Yes, I still feel what I've always felt—whether fear or doubt or passion or joy or whatever—but the new habits of thought that are forming aren't shaken by my feelings the way my old thoughts were.

This is an unexpected side effect, but a nice one.

What I thought would happen is that over time I would be just a little bolder in social situations, a little braver, a little more outgoing. All that seems to be coming, though I'm not there yet. I never expected to gain some mastery over emotions that have always overmastered me.

Who'da thunk?