The Dividend

In practical, observable terms, the only difference is a few seconds. Just a few seconds' longer regard has made all the difference.

For years now, I've smiled at people I meet. Even strangers, even pretty women (two groups that have always intimidated me, "pretty women" most of all). I made a deliberate choice years ago, as part of my always-ongoing efforts to better myself, to meet the eye of those I met and smile. That's a good thing, right?

It absolutely is a good thing. The weird thing is, I never felt like I was doing any good—for myself or for the people I smiled at—by doing so. I never felt like it made any difference. I kept at it because philosophically I still believed it was a good thing, and because it had become a habit. But it felt like an empty exercise.

Until recently, that is. Recently I determined to be bolder—to "fake it 'til I make it" with respect to social self confidence—and part of that has been to hold the gaze of others. And lo and behold, I learned something I'd gone years without noticing.

When I meet someone's gaze and smile, they usually smile back!

I know, radical stuff there, huh? "Thank you, Captain Obvious!"

But I never knew.

I never knew because as soon as I'd smiled at someone, I'd avert my gaze. I don't know where it came from, but somewhere I got the idea that it was impolite to look a stranger in the eye for more than a second or so at a time, and I was embarrassed at the thought that I might get caught at it. I didn't feel like I had the right to look, especially at an attractive woman.

So I missed it. I missed seeing the consequences of my actions, of my smiles. I never saw them smile back. I never saw the obvious signs that my smile was welcome: that it made someone's day a little better, or lifted their spirits, or whatever it was that their smiles signified. I went for years thinking that my efforts to be pleasant were ultimately meaningless, and I was wrong.

All it took was a few seconds' longer look, and my whole experience changed.

No, not everyone smiles back. Occasionally, someone will scowl or frown or just remain blank-faced. That's the exception, though. I used to think it was the rule.

So another valuable lesson learned. A smile is an investment: pay attention for long enough to receive the dividend.